JOKES Series 1

************************************************ ********************************* ******************* ********* **** * ***************************************************** There is a monkey in the bar A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it." **************************************************** Top ten signs that you are too drunk 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. You fall off the floor. 5. The whole bar greets you when you come in. 4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like. 3. Roseanne looks good. 2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up. ******************************************************* The Farmer on the plane ::: A farmer, who is not familiar with new technolagy, never went on a plane, but had to visit his sick daughter in California. He asked the flight attendent where the bathroom is, and he pointed all the way in the back of the plane, but he said don't press he third button. He went in, and pressed the first button. It throughly cleaned his front private. The second one cleaned his back private throughly. The memory haunting him of the flight attented saying not to press the third one, curiosly, he pressed it, and ended up in the hospital. He woke up and said "What happend?" "Well..." The doctor replied, "the third button on the plane, was the tampon remover." ****************************************************** Mechanic v. Surgeon Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey . . . . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris . . . "Try doing your work with the engine running." ******************************************************** Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: Oh about 45 pounds. ******************************************************** Cheating TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. ********************************************************* Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don'tthink they're jokes! ********************************************************** for you girls... Why is 88 better than 69? You get 8 twice. ********************************************************* What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!" ********************************************************** Dogs and Cats A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me... They must be gods! A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me...I must be a god! ********************************************************* Yoga cures drinking Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband’s drinking habit? Woman: Yes, An Amazing Effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head. ********************************************************** Boy-Friend — Girl-Friend Jokes Girl to Boyfriend: Now it is time we should marry. Boy: That's ok, but who will marry us. Hindi Version Ladki (boyfriend se): Ab hame shaadi kar leni chahiye. Ladka: Voh to theek hai... par hum se shaadi karega koun? *********************************************************** Dog for sale Buyer to seller: Is it a faithful dog? Seller: Yes, I have sold it 3 times earlier also. It is so faithful, everytime it returned back to me. ********************************************************* Munna Bhai Principal: If a boy is found in girl's hostel, he will be fined $20 first time, $30 second time and $50 third time. Munna Bhai: What will you charge for a Monthly Pass, mamu? Hindi Version Principal: Agar koi ladka girl's hostel me paya gaya, to usko pehli bar Rs 300 fine lagega, dusri bar 500 aur teesri bar Rs 800 fine lagega. Munna Bhai: Monthly pass ka kya lega, mamu? *********************************************************** Titanic was sinking. Santa: How much the earth is far from here? Banta: 1 kilo meter. Santa jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?" Banta: Downwards !! ******************************************************* ********************************************* *********************************** ******************* ********* **** *